Ambition, Evolution, and the Word of the Year…Oh! And Why I Flinch When My Toddler is Holding a Doll
Ambitious is not a word that I would use to describe myself. It isn't in my nature. I used to go so far as to avoid doing anything that looked like ambition because I didn't want someone to think that I was being self-promoting in any way, nor anything that could be confused with selfishness or arrogance, words I had always associated with ambition.
This is NOT me in the photo; we got to witness this couple of climbers while hiking in the Prachov Rocks or Prachovské Skály.
And yet, last year, for the first time in my life, I decided to try something new, something a lot of ambitious and successful people do; I chose a word of the year for myself. And guess what first popped into my brain. That's right, ambition.
In case you have never heard of having a word of the year, it is when you choose a word at the beginning of a new year. It's different from a New Year's Resolution in that it's more general, and it is meant to be a guiding force, one word to help you stay focused as you work towards your goals or make decisions for that year.
So why would I choose a word that I had previously detested as my word of the year?
At some point, the way I perceived ambition had started to shift. Perhaps it wasn't an evil word or attribute after all, and I realized that if I wanted something, it wasn't going to simply fall in my lap. I was going to have to work for it. It was time for me to figure out what I wanted and go for it. It was time to be ambitious.
So in January 2021, ambition became my word of the year.
And here's what happened next:
I got hit. In the face. Hard. More than once.
Figuratively speaking, of course…except for that time my three-year-old hit me in the face with a Barbie for no apparent reason, but I digress.
Sometimes, the hits happened while fully anticipating the blow. And yet, I persisted.
I found myself in races that I never intended to be in with people that I never saw as competition up to that point. I saw first hand how easy it is to move towards the unhealthy side of ambition where people become cutthroat and manipulative to get what they want.
Ambition brings the competition out of people and makes others uncomfortable, both things I actively avoided, and thus why I had previously avoided showing ambition.
I also had a small idea of what it would mean for my relationships with others. It would mean not being the "sweet little Lauren" they all thought they knew and loved; it would mean taking up space when previously I would shrink myself to fit in; it would mean putting down boundaries so that I had time and energy to put towards my own goals instead of being readily available for them.
It wasn’t going to be easy for many reasons especially if I wanted to stay on the healthy side of ambition. And yet, I knew that it was a needed change for me if I ever wanted to achieve my dreams and goals so in situations that, in the past, I would have shrank back, deferred to someone else, or given up entirely, I dug in.
I was done with lightly and timidly knocking on doors with the secret hope that no one would actually hear me knocking, and I started turning the doorknobs and pushing on doors myself to see if they would open. Sometimes doors swing open. Sometimes they're shut and locked and are meant to stay that way. Sometimes, you just have to turn the doorknob.
Toddlers know how to do this better than anyone
I realized that I could better serve others by giving myself room and permission to become my full, authentic self instead of the watered-down version that I presented to people because I was sure that's the version of me they wanted. This meant first, finding out what those dreams and goals truly were apart from my desire for the approval of others.
And I thought I had found it. I put together a business proposal that included what I thought was my life's dream and purpose, my calling. I presented it to the people that I thought could help make it happen, and they were excited about it, too, and we began dreaming together.
But things rarely work out the way we expect, and things did not work out in this case either.
Around September of 2021, I began looking back at where the year had brought me, I didn't have much to show for the ambition I had displayed. Not financially, not physically, not in any outward or obvious way.
I had put so much energy into the development of my big dream, putting myself on the line, along with some of my relationships and friendships, among other things, and yet, after months of pushing and trying to create a space for myself at a table that there just wasn't space enough, not for all of me anyway, all I had to show for it was stress, anxiety, emotional cuts and bruises, and exhaustion.
But wasn't having a word of the year supposed to make it all happen? I didn't want to give up because wouldn't it mean that I was shrinking back, the thing I had worked diligently NOT to do for several months? And wouldn't it mean that I was giving up which is the opposite of ambitious? But that was my word of the year, and the year wasn't over yet!
But I felt compelled to begin the process of letting go of things I was so desperately clinging to, even that big dream for which I had fought so hard; I wasn't sure The Dream was what I wanted anymore, anyway.
Surrendering to the process and what I felt was the next right thing for me, I decided to take a step back, and not only did I let go of The Dream, I also let go of my word of the year that had driven so many of my decisions.
And it got me thinking that maybe one word for the whole year is too limiting for the complexities of humanity. Our world, our lives, and the people in both are constantly changing. So much can change in the course of even a week, how much more can things change in a year?
Perhaps it would be more beneficial to have a word for the season, the month, or day, or even the hour.
A word for the now, the present.
So my word of the year evolved along with me and became two new words: rest and dream.
And so I did.
And eventually, I let those words naturally evolve along with me, and my word became explore.
And so I did. And it led me to writing. And I've never felt more like myself. After all, writing IS exploration. (For more on this, read this blog post: Maybe-Dreams and Buried Dreams.
And here we are in a new year, and I was hesitant to choose a new word, but I decided to try it once again. After all, while the practice of choosing a word of the year didn't drastically change anything on the outside, I can also say that I made tremendous gains; I've grown. I am older, wiser, stronger, braver, more resilient, more fully myself.
And in case you are wondering, this year's word is actually two words:
Open Hands.
And just like that phrase reminds me to do, I'm going to hold it loosely.
And if you find yourself committing to this practice or have already committed to it, here are a couple of things to keep in mind.
First of all, it doesn’t have to be January 1 for you to create one, and it can be a helpful practice. It doesn't mean you'll have the same experiences that I did or that you'll get hit in the face with a toy like me (well, if you're a toddler-parent, you might), but I believe it can lead to beautiful things. I have no regrets despite the heartaches. Life is beautiful because we experience heartache and joy, side-by-side.
Secondly and more importantly, a word of the year is meant to be a guide, and part of a guide's job is to help us navigate those times when we get a bit lost; a guide teaches us to recognize the shifting seasons within our lives and the need for evolution of what is guiding us because WE are evolving and changing and growing…and so must our word or words of the moment.
So instead of a "Word of the Year," let's call it a "Word of the Moment."
And I'm curious. What's yours?
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