Finding the Steady Beat of Rest…Oh! and Turning that Ebb into a Flow
I had just laid down on top of a massive pile of clean laundry that had been piling up for weeks, waiting to be folded. With clothes covering the entire bed--I was overwhelmed, exhausted, and wanted to procrastinate just once more.
The Toddler was miraculously playing by herself in her room, a rarity most days, and I had this one blissful, uninterrupted moment, and I just wanted to close my eyes and not have to DO anything. Before I could even blink, much less close my eyes to embrace the rest, my husband walked in the room and found me laying there.
I jumped up anxious and guiltily like I'd been caught doing something I shouldn't have been doing…and he laughed and cracked a joke about that being one way to get the laundry done.
And I laughed, too. But it wasn't really funny though, was it?
There was some part of me that felt the need to defend myself by reminding him (and me) that I was allowed to rest, and of course, he agreed. We're both learning this same lesson. He usually does the laundry with me, but he'd been covered up with his day job just like our bed was with laundry at the moment.
Which I realize now, as I write this, that may have been symbolic.
So even though he wasn't making a comment about me or my worth, I still felt the weight of shame for allowing myself this morsel of respite because I hadn't earned it that day.
And now I'm sitting here wondering if we ever feel like we've earned it? Can we ever really work that hard to convince ourselves that we have earned rest? I know I haven't managed to do that yet.
But I have managed over and over again to push myself beyond every limit trying to meet my own impossible standards and expectations along with everyone else's. My body and my mind and my spirit always know what's coming, and if I listen closely, I can hear them whispering, "rest…please, rest," like that passenger side driver we all love to hate, despite knowing they're right.
I hear a stifled, "Press the brakes."
But I don't.
I choose not to heed the whispers until it becomes a scream, a constant siren radiating emotional, spiritual, and sometimes even physical pain from my core out to my toes, hands, and head.
But I have to keep going, and I lose my true self in the race to be perfect, to please everyone, to save everyone, to keep up, to produce.
What I want, what I NEED are hidden by the cacophony. No time to think about things like that. No time to listen for what my soul is crying out for.
And this choice to ignore my inner compass, my inner child, my inner creative being--my being, leads me to inevitable rest, but NOT the kind that is truly rejuvenating because this forced rest that comes after hitting the proverbial wall, comes bearing other unwanted guests--shame, guilt, wish-I-would-haves, and not-good-enoughs.
I hate myself for needing the rest.
And I emerge from this type of rest only fractionally rejuvenated because the cup I'm shamefully pouring into with this rest has holes in it…so no matter how much I rest, in this way, I'll never be full because I am leaking.
My cup has holes in it because I haven't yet learned what true rest looks like. I'm only now learning, and in order to mend my cup, I must go through a process of unlearning, a process of rewiring my brain circuits so that my brain doesn't connect rest with shame and guilt.
But as of now, it still does just that. I lay down to take a short nap. Someone walks into the room where I'm sleeping, I startle awake, sit straight up, and apologize…for needing rest.
"I shouldn't be napping. I shouldn't be sitting down. I should be doing the dishes or working on my next project." The shoulds take over all of my thoughts of rest, relaxation, or soulful reflection.
I have spent my entire life thinking that in order to rest, I had to do a certain amount of work. Rest was a reward for having done the work or having checked off a to-do list item.
But, I never rested after checking off anything. I felt that I could only celebrate with rest by completing the whole to-do list which is never actually done.
And because of this, I hold too much anxiety and stress which leads to too much anger, too much resentment, and it comes out in my worst moments and those closest to me reap the wrath that I had sown, not them.
The only person that I can really be angry with is myself.
I've said before that I work slow. I'm not sure I've ever been fast at anything. I know this, yet accepting that fact about myself has been a journey and continues to be.
Because of this, I always feel behind even when I'm caught up on my daily goals so celebrating the small stuff of completing one thing on my to-do list? There's no time for that. I'm behind, after all.
And I feel behind all the time. I am a music teacher, a writer, and a stay-at-home mom, among other things, and it is hard to juggle it all, to unplug when I need to.
I've heard it said that women are supposed to be good at multi-tasking, but I am going to make a bold statement and say that I don't think anyone is actually good at multi-tasking. Something is inevitably going to fall through the cracks or not get the attention that it needs.
And yet we all try to multi-task (not just women), and this multi-tasking mindset extends to our times of rest. We eat a meal while we watch TV, we scroll on our phones, too, we check emails or return texts while we use the restroom (I can't be the only one who does this), we get sick and try to work through the sickness.
More and more ways we find to avoid true rest.
I mentioned above how the forced rest that comes from absolute exhaustion or "hitting the wall," doesn't make for true rest. So the question becomes how do we find this true rest, the kind that is rejuvenating? How do we seal the holes in our cups so that when we DO rest, we don't just leak out?
Perhaps it is by creating a rhythm of rest. Maybe it's more like a steady beat because rhythms can sometimes be a bit unpredictable, but a beat is steady, like a healthy heartbeat, a predictable pattern. I've found that the kind of rest I get from incorporating this steady beat of regularly scheduled rest is much more rewarding.
And by the way, rest is not a reward for having done work. Rest is a human necessity.
So even when we feel like we can do that one more thing on our list, take the break anyway.
I'm learning when I do this, I feel more ready to continue my work when the time comes.
Creative energy and motivation ebbs and flows. No amount of striving or working harder is going to change that, and somehow, the best way that I've found to move an ebb into a flow is to do things that seem counter to what we've always done. Stop working. Go for a walk. Take a nap. Do some creative act that is completely different from what you do for work. Play can be rest, too.
We are rewiring our brains. And rest and learning to make ourselves believe that the rest is ok, takes practice and conscious effort--daily, steadily, rhythmically, not sporadically. Not just on days where there is plenty of time, but every day. Yes, even on days that we think there is no time to rest.
You don't have to earn rest. You don't have to defend yourself for resting. Rest is a right. It's a necessity.
And it is also a choice that everyone must make for themselves--we can choose the forced rest that inevitably comes for all of us when we don't slow down as our bodies and souls cry out desperately for it.
Or we can choose to find a natural, steady rhythm of rest where we listen to the whisper of our bodies, our souls, our spirits--which brings a gentler rest that shows us we are human and that is enough.
We are still enough.
P.S. I’m taking my own advice and taking the rest of July off. Find me over on Instagram or TikTok both at LaurenLanoue. See you in August!
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