Going All In: 9 Practices and Mindsets for Building Self-Trust
“What should I do, buddy?”
It was my signature catch phrase amongst my friends. We spent many late nights during much of our university student era playing poker. It was our way to spend time together in between studying and working. Over those years, I became known within the group for leaning over during particularly tense hands and “jokingly” asking my best friend or my husband, “What should I do, buddy?” It became a habit, something I did anytime I felt unsure. My secret hope was that they would give me specific directions so I could avoid having to make the decision myself.
Myself could not be trusted with such a decision.
Should I stay in? Should I take the risk? Should I cut my losses and run?
What should I do, buddy?
Unfortunately, this lack of trust in my own decision making skills wasn’t isolated to game nights. I was always asking for others’ advice, always waiting for someone else’s permission and direction. I didn’t feel confident enough to make the smallest of decisions like where to eat or whether I should stay in a hand of just-for-fun poker so forget about making more significant decisions.
It wasn’t a lack of ability. It also wasn’t that I was simply indecisive. It went much deeper than that. I found much later in life that this avoidance of decision making was deeply rooted in my lack of trust for myself and lack of confidence in my ability to lead my own life.
For a rule-follower, it is much easier to have someone else make the decisions for us. We look to others for guidance, direction, approval, and permission. We wait for them to tell us exactly what to do, when to do it, and how to do it. We’re used to this dynamic. It feels familiar, if not comfortable. Not to mention, it gives us someone else to blame when things go wrong.
However, doing this for years and years slowly eats away at our self-confidence and drive. It trains us to believe that our own unique voice isn’t valuable or trustworthy—that WE are not trustworthy. Because we can’t trust ourselves, how can we possibly lead ourselves…or others for that matter?
Leading ourselves is just too risky. What if we get in trouble? What if we choose wrongly? What if we fail? I made a terrible mistake before, what if that happens again?
These “what-ifs” turn into a constant state of “What should I do, buddy?”
Let me just stop here and say what I am NOT saying. I am NOT saying to ignore other people’s advice entirely. Seeking out trustworthy advice and counsel can be helpful, and there’s nothing wrong with asking for help and guidance especially with significant decisions. However, sometimes, we spend so much time gathering books of advice and what-would-someone-else-dos that we fail to act entirely.
Trusting ourselves does not mean we stop trusting others. It DOES mean learning to listen to our own valuable voice with its unique opinions, and recognizing our own voice as equally important—or maybe even more important—when it comes to making decisions about our own lives. Ultimately, we are responsible for our own decisions and actions so we must learn to lead ourselves and own our decisions which means learning to trust ourselves as well.
So how do we learn to trust ourselves?
Trust requires relationship. Just like with any relationship, trust must be built. Like most things worth doing in life, building trust with ourselves is a process that takes time and intentional steps. The following practices and mindsets might help in the process of building trust with yourself. I know they’ve helped me.
1) Spend time with yourself.
Building relationships requires time together. Time together builds mutual understanding, respect, and you guessed it—trust. When we spend time with ourselves, we get to know our own needs, wants, and values. We tend to trust people whose values are clear and who make decisions that are clearly in alignment with those claimed values. This is why it is so important to know yourself and what you value so that you can lead yourself, driven by your values and not The Shoulds. Living for The Shoulds erodes self-trust. Spend more time with yourself and get to know YOU more than The Rulebook.
2) Lean in and listen.
Another vital part of building any healthy relationship is listening. Listening to ourselves is difficult because we have silenced ourselves for far too long. But our intuition, our inner knowing, usually knows far more than we want to give them credit for. Practice paying attention to your gut feelings and inner wisdom. Trusting your intuition can help you make better decisions aligned with your values.
3) Set realistic goals.
Recovering rule-followers are also recovering over-achievers which means we tend to set extremely high and unattainable standards for ourselves. This trickles down to the goals we set for ourselves. This practice deteriorates our self-trust, making us feel like failures. When we don’t meet our goals, we feel our distrust of ourselves is valid. Setting goals that are actually obtainable, even if they’re challenging, can help us build back this trust we may have lost.
4) Keep promises to yourself.
This one is pretty simple. If you say you’re going to do something, do it. If you keep promises to others, keep promises to yourself as well. If you swore you’d get up 10 minutes early to stretch and move your body—do it. If you say you’re going to stop work at 4:00 today, do it. We trust people who are true to their word—so be true to YOU.
5) Recognize what you bring to the table.
Thanks to the Mel Robbins podcast for this one. Each room you walk into, you have something to give and something to receive—something to teach and something to learn. In the past, I would walk in to new situations thinking I was the lowest of the low. I was there to learn only. I love to learn, but I also have something to give to others. I, myself, have hard-won wisdom and knowledge to share as well. And so do you.
6) Give yourself a chance.
It is hard for me to let my kiddo do some things. She will want to try something that I’m doing, but quite simply, she hasn’t earned my trust in that area yet. And sometimes, she hasn’t earned my trust simply because I haven’t given her the opportunity to even try. I don’t want to risk the possibility of her getting hurt or making a mess that we will have to clean up later.
We tend to treat ourselves in the same way. We don’t want to risk what might happen if we hand over the reins of control to ourselves. But in order to learn to trust ourselves, we have to allow ourselves opportunities to learn and grow. This means giving ourselves opportunities where we might fail. Remember, taking risks is part of being a rule-breaker, too. Failure does not mean the end of all things.
7) Sometimes you win, sometimes you learn.
I told a friend of mine that I was learning to trust myself and just go with whatever decision I felt was best instead of ALWAYS asking for advice. My friend responded with, “But what do you do and how do you handle it when you find out you made the wrong choice?” May I remind you that making a mistake doesn’t mean the end of it all, despite what the rulebook says. Sometimes, we make the best decision we can, and it still doesn’t work. And that is okay. Sometimes we win. Sometimes we learn. Remember, rule-breakers are good students, and failures are great learning opportunities.
8) Celebrate your own successes.
As rule-followers, we wanted, maybe even needed, everyone else to tell us that we were doing a good job. It was the fuel that kept us going. When we start leading ourselves, others may not see our growth as a positive thing. Additionally, some growth and healing is invisible or so incremental that it isn’t noticeable to everyone. Others may not ever give us the external validation and praise we are seeking.
And so, we have to practice looking back at our own growth and healing and celebrating our own wins and successes. We must learn to trust the process and reassure ourselves along the way. Just because no one else is celebrating with you, doesn’t mean your growth isn’t real and worth celebrating. Celebrate your wins, no matter how small. Focusing on what you HAVE accomplished will help build that trust we’re talking about. Celebrating our wins reminds us that we are capable, and we can, in fact, do hard things.
9) Write your own permission slip.
Rule-breakers are leaders. That means YOU are a leader. Who gives a leader permission? Leaders give themselves permission—permission to take risks, permission to grow, permission to take the unpaved path and do that creative thing that no one else has done before. Leaders do not ask permission to start breaking rules or to forge new paths because they know that permission isn’t coming. Rule-breakers lead themselves by giving themselves permission. Whatever permission you’re waiting for probably isn’t coming—so just go ahead and write your own permission slip.
Remember, building trust—even with yourself—is a process. This process involves building a positive relationship with yourself. This means practicing self-compassion, spending time with yourself, listening to what you have to say, keeping promises to yourself, celebrating you and your own accomplishments, and giving yourself permission to grow and learn as you lead yourself.
You don’t have to have it all figured out right now. You are still capable of leading yourself. You are a leader. You are trustworthy.
So next time you find yourself looking to others while still feeling stuck, maybe stop and ask yourself, too, “What should I do, buddy?” You may be surprised to find you already know the answer.
You’ve got this, rule-breaker. I trust you, and you can trust you, too.
P.S. Thanks for stopping by! If you enjoyed this and want to support me in a totally free way, sign up for my free newsletter and get all the updates. I also share quite a bit more over there so sign up if these topics interest you. If you want to keep me caffeinated so I can write more, you can also Buy me a coffee! :)
