Leaning in to the Whisper…Oh! And 4 Tips for Handling Disagreements
“If you yell once, you’ll always have to yell.”
I can’t tell you how many of my professors, mentors, and classroom management gurus offered this advice to me and my fellow beginning elementary educators. (I was an elementary school teacher for 6+ years, and an ESL teacher for 4 years, in case you didn’t know.)
We heard it so many times it almost became cliché, however true it may have been.
But I experienced just how right they were once I had my own classroom. I would need the students' attention for one reason or another and because I was somewhat soft-spoken, I would not be able to get their attention on my first attempt.
The class volume level would only rise, and my voice would rise with it. In turn, their voices would only get louder, and so I would raise mine, too. Until finally, I was yelling to get their attention which, of course, only made matters worse.
We were all pointlessly drowning each other out.
No one heard anyone much less took the time to listen.
And from then on, it felt like the only way to get their attention was to continue this madness of raising my voice until they were bullied into quiet. This strategy felt incredibly counter-intuitive, not to mention counter-productive to the classroom culture of mutual respect that we had set out to build.
Each year, my students and I would talk about things we valued in a classroom environment. And year after year, mutual respect was one of the agreed upon values. Mutual respect meant we listened to one another and made space for every voice.
These near-screaming matches did not fit the bill. They allowed no space for the students to express their thoughts and opinions because once I reached the point of yelling, I was no longer the kind and respectful teacher they knew and loved (the kind of teacher that I wanted to be); I was, at that point, the classroom dictator--telling them what to do and when to do it.
My voice was heard. I got to vent my frustrations, but to what end? What good came of it? Did it change anything? Did it add value to the students or myself, for that matter? Did it allow space for further conversation or learning to occur on either side? Absolutely not.
Despite knowing better, that first year or two of teaching, I felt helpless. I didn't know what else to do to get their attention.
That is, until I learned to lean in with a whisper.
When I began to whisper, there were always a few students who would take notice, and they would begin to lean in to better hear what I had to say. This leaning in prompted others to quiet their voices and lean in as well until finally the class would quiet themselves.
No yelling necessary.
I can't explain exactly how and why this worked, but it did.
Perhaps it was because most of them wanted to hear what I had to say. They knew I cared about them; I had taken time to get to know each of them as a human being, not just as a student.
Perhaps this quieter approach created space for them to express themselves and to be heard. Not just the loud voices, but those quieter voices, too. Those quieter voices that beg to be heard but get lost in the noise.
Perhaps the whisper gave them a better sense of psychological safety and belonging, and they valued those as well as mutual respect.
Or perhaps it was simply that they didn’t want to miss something.
FOMO (Fear of Missing Out) is real for adults and kids alike.
And sometimes, we're missing out without even realizing it. We're missing out because we are too busy screaming our own thoughts. We scream out into the vast universe hoping what we have to say will stick to something or someone. How else can we be heard above the noise?
But are we actually being heard?
The constant noise is isolating, and it disconnects us even more than we already are in this world that is supposedly more connected than ever.
And this disconnection causes us to see those with differing opinions as enemies; the "us versus them" mindset kicks in to overdrive, and we lose sight of the person--the human being--within ourselves and others.
This disconnection and loss of ability to see the human being behind a belief or opinion is underscored by the current social, economic, religious, and political climates around the world. And this gets further compounded by how we interact on social media.
And I'm concerned that this disconnection is beginning to leak out into our everyday, real-life interactions with friends, family, co-workers, and strangers we meet as we are running errands around town.
Perhaps you've noticed this disconnection as well, and you think what can we do about it?
Perhaps you feel like I did that first year or two of teaching--helpless but not sure how else to affect change.
We see that yelling doesn't work.
No one CAN listen when they're being yelled at; there's a lot of research out there that suggests if we're too stressed, we are not able to listen to someone even if they are being very clear and logical. Yelling actively creates this very scenario, and yet we keep doing it to no avail.
Well, I suppose not all of us do that.
There are those of us who wouldn't dare shout out what we think. The very thought of it is terrifying. Instead, we choose to censor or silence ourselves completely. Perhaps we choose this path for fear of creating more disconnection.
We don't want to add our voice to the cacophony. And yet, we have something bubbling inside of us that begs to be expressed!
What if yours is the whisper the world needs to hear, but that fear of being drowned out keeps you silent?
This world really is noisy…
And what if we really are missing something because of it?
What if we’re not hearing the voice we really need to hear because we’re so desperate for our voice to be heard?
We're so desperate that we join in with the yelling instead of leaning in to the whisper.
But what if we got quiet long enough to really listen to one another? To what is actually being said?
You may be asking, how in the world can we do this? Won't this amplify the already loud voices? And perhaps these voices are the ones making you feel like you need to scream. Otherwise, they'll think you agree with them.
And honestly, I don't have all the answers. I'm learning to listen, too.
But here are some small ways that I invite you to try with me, some small steps to take as we choose to lean in to the whisper especially when we're met with someone who disagrees with us:
Recognize the human being behind the differing opinion or belief. Each human has their own lived experiences and perspectives that have helped them form their beliefs and opinions. This is true for you as well. They're human; you're human. Recognizing and honoring the humanity in yourself and the other person is one of the foundational steps toward positive change.
Don't assume. But if you must, err on the side of assuming the best of the person and their motives. If we assume their intentions are bad, we'll get stuck in our anger and get lost in our emotions which keeps us from being able to move forward. So, take a deep breath and realize that, most likely, they simply want what's best for humanity and the world as well even if you disagree on what that "best" is.
Ask clarifying questions. Even if you think you know what they're going to say, even if you think you know every angle they're going to take with their argument, ask anyway. And while they answer, listen without interrupting. It can help you understand them and their position better. And most importantly, asking questions and then listening to their response helps them feel heard. And when people feel like they've been heard, they're more apt to listen to you and truly consider what you have to say.
Share your honest opinion. Even if it's a whisper. Take a deep breath. Several if you need to. And then, calmly speak your truth. It's ok to take a beat before jumping in to prove your point. In fact, let's ditch the idea that the purpose is to prove anything. You're simply stating your opinion. You can support it with facts and ideas, sure! But when we assume a defensive posture, it creates invisible walls between us, and we're trying to build bridges of connection, bridges to belonging. Not walls.
Perhaps these small, intentional steps can help us move towards reconnection, and perhaps then, we can create positive change.
I invite you to join me in taking a long, hard look at how you’re engaging with people with whom you disagree.
Are you the one getting stuck in shouting matches with no fruitful outcome?
Are you the one silencing yourself from fear of your voice getting lost in the noise or fear of causing disconnection through disagreeing?
What steps can you take today to stop these cycles, choosing to lean in with a whisper or lean in to hear the whisper?
Perhaps in this way, we can create space for others, and maybe, perhaps even more importantly, it will allow us to amplify those equally important but quiet voices that get drowned out in all the noise.
If we will just lean in to the whisper.
Since the holidays are coming up, and it's also election season (Who thought it was a good idea to put those two events so close together?) Here are a few more resources for you:
https://ideas.ted.com/4-tips-for-talking-to-people-you-disagree-with/
https://bravetalkproject.com/how-to-talk-to-someone-you-disagree-with/
https://www.amazon.com/Now-What-Forward-Basically-Everything/dp/0800740807
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