The Rule-breaker Code…Oh! Don’t worry. It’s More Like Guidelines than Actual Rules
What does a rule-breaker mean to you? If you envision a rule-breaker in your mind, what do they look like and act like? How do they walk into a room?
I’ve always envisioned a rule-breaker being a person who walks into a room with absolute confidence. Leather jacket, combat boots, sunglasses. They burst through the door with a mix of boldness and grace that I have never imagined being able to replicate. The room falls quiet and all heads turn to look at them, but they don’t care one bit what anyone in that room is thinking. They just know the room needs them in it, and so they arrive. Head held high. Ready to kick ass and take some names.
Because of this caricature I had created in my mind, if you had asked me 10 years ago if I was a rule-follower or a rule-breaker, I would not have hesitated for a second before answering with, “I am a rule-follower to the core.”
But that wasn’t the whole truth. I was born a rule-breaker, but this part of me got buried under the piles and piles of rules and expectations that life, family, culture, society, and toxic religion put on me until the only part of me that I could see and accept was the rule-follower.
Over the last few years, I’ve gone through a process of reconnecting with and embracing my inner rule-breaker even though I had no idea that is where this journey would take me. But these days, I answer that question differently. I am a rule-breaker.
Being a rule-breaker doesn’t mean what I had always thought. Being a rule-breaker does not require a leather jacket. It doesn’t require being outspoken and moody. It doesn’t require never caring what other people think. It doesn’t require being rude and unkind. It also doesn’t require you to throw away your values.
So what does it take to be a rule-breaker, then? If the caricatures that we think of in our heads are not quite accurate, which I don’t think they are, what does it take to be a rule-breaker?
Over the next few months, I’ll be sharing with you more of my story and the principles that have helped me reconnect with my inner rule-breaker—and WHY I think this is so important. I’ll be going into more detail in subsequent blogs and newsletters, but here’s an overview of what I like to call The Rule-breaker Code.
Don’t worry! I’m not here to add more rules to your already ridiculously long list. I’m here to help you get rid of those, remember? This is meant to serve as a road map for us as we make the transformation from rule-followers to rule-breakers.
1) Rule-breakers are good students.
Good students do these things well: They pay attention and they ask questions.
So do rule-breakers.
Rule-breakers pay attention in order to recognize where hidden rules are hiding so that they can un-learn them. This practice requires paying attention to ourselves, how we feel, what motivates us, and how we behave in certain situations and around certain people.
Once we start to notice the rules and how they show up, we can start asking the hard questions we tend to avoid as rule-followers especially questions that start with “why” or “why not.” Asking good questions can help us to stay focused on our goals and bring about positive change and growth.
2) Rule-breakers embrace change and growth.
Contrary to the way we were trained as rule-followers, change is not bad or evil. Neither is growth. As living, breathing, human beings, we are meant to be evolving. The word “evolve” is not evil either, and we are allowed to do all three—change, grow, evolve.
Change can be scary, but many times, change is the very thing that creates growth. I’m not saying that change and growth are always going to be enjoyable. In fact, they are almost always a mix of joy and pain, but it’s almost always worth it.
3) Rule-breakers take risks.
Risk is another word that rule-followers tend to not just shy away from—they run from it. However, risk has many benefits. It can lead to personal growth, it can build your self-confidence, and it can create new opportunities. Risk creates space for that change and growth that rule-breakers embrace.
I invite you to ask yourself, “What small risk can I take today to create even just a bit of space for growth?” Is there an expectation you’re putting on yourself that you could ditch today? Is there a small yes you could give yourself? Or maybe there’s an opportunity you need to go for without hesitation. Take the risk.
4) Rule-breakers understand that it is impossible to please everyone.
Rule-followers are some of the most people-pleasing-est people-pleasers on the planet, but in order to free ourselves from our rulebooks, we have to also free ourselves from the burden and responsibility of meeting everyone else’s expectations in order to keep them happy.
People-pleasing is a symptom of a larger problem. The larger problem being that, as rule-followers, we tend to be addicted to external approval, the approval of others. In order to be rule-breakers and cycle-breakers, we have to break this addiction by giving ourselves the approval we need instead.
5) Rule-breakers practice self-compassion and love themselves wholly.
There is a lot of misunderstanding around what it means to be self-compassionate and to love yourself, but practicing self-compassion means taking the kindness and compassion you so readily show to others and turning it inward, to yourself.
Loving yourself “wholly” involves the practice of self-compassion because it means you choose to embrace each piece of yourself, the “good” parts and the “bad” parts, the rule-following parts and the rule-breaking parts. Healthy rule-breakers embrace and love themselves wholly which means they also know themselves well.
6) Rule-breakers live by their values and not by “The Shoulds.”
By spending too much of our lives as people-pleasing rule-followers, we become completely disconnected from ourselves. This means we have no idea who we are individually, what we want, what we need, and what we value. As we start to become rule-breakers, we also begin to get to know our true selves once again. We learn to tune in to our own needs, wants, and values. Knowing our values is vital because, if we don’t know what we value, we tend to do as we’re told or as we “should” without ever questioning.
Rule-breakers use that word “should” sparingly and intentionally. They do not let that Sh- word run their lives because when we live our lives from The Shoulds, we end up living out of obligation, duty, and shame instead of living by our values.
As for me, I choose to be led by joy, peace, and most importantly, love. Not from The Shoulds.
7) Rulebreakers lead themselves.
Rule-breakers lead themselves and trust themselves. They trust themselves to be the authority in their own lives. They trust themselves to make decisions, and they are able to do this because they’re making decisions based on what they value and not from “The Shoulds.”
They don’t look for external approval and reassurance from others. They reassure themselves.
Rule-breakers do not wait around for permission to ask questions, to change or grow, to take risks, or to love themselves. They do not ask permission to start breaking rules because they know that permission isn’t coming. Rule-breakers lead themselves by giving themselves permission.
So, now that you know what it takes to be a rule-breaker, I invite you to take the next step. Maybe a good place to start is by giving yourself that permission you’ve been waiting for…I’d give it to you myself, but you need the practice.
What are you waiting for, Rule-breaker?
Later this month, I’ll be sharing more about my own journey to becoming a rule-breaker in my SubStack newsletter, Rule-Breaking News. If you’d like to read more, you can subscribe here, and you’ll get the story straight to your inbox. The SubStack app is a great place to connect with other rule-breakers. You can leave comments for the rest of the Rule-breaker community to read and respond, too. Hope to see you there!
