Throw That Sh**** Out the Window: Living from Your Values Instead of The Should—Part 1
"When perfectionism is driving us, shame is always riding shotgun and fear is the backseat driver." Brene Brown
Once upon a time, there was a girl who tried so hard to be good and to be loved. To earn that love, she strove to follow every rule and exceed every expectation.
But there were just so many rules.
There were family rules and school rules like: “You should always ask permission first.” There were societal and cultural rules, too, like, “You should be fit and slim.” And on top of those, there were religious standards to uphold. The list went on and on and seemed to only grow.
She rarely slept well, staying up late into the night ruminating on all the ways she had failed the previous day. Every brand new day, she woke with an overwhelming sense of dread and shame knowing that she had already failed before one foot touched the ground:
“I should have gotten up earlier.”
“I should be working out more.”
“I should be praying more.”
“I should not have stayed up so late.”
“I should not be so lazy.”
Every morning, evening, and in between, The Rulebook played its wearisome tune in her head. The list of shoulds, should-nots, and should-haves ever-growing, telling her how she should look, behave, believe, think, and feel. It reminded her of all the terrible things that would happen if she didn’t follow the rules—loss of her good girl reputation, loss of titles, loss of acceptance, loss of approval, and worst of all—loss of belonging and connection.
These potential losses were, of course, terrifying to the girl, but as hard as she tried, she never could quite measure up to The Rulebook’s standard. She hated herself in equal parts for trying so hard and for HAVING to try so hard. “It shouldn’t be this difficult!” she thought.
Still, she kept striving to do all the things she knew she should do. The shame of not living up to all of the expectations placed on her by others and herself was unbearable…But what other way was there to live?
In case you didn’t already guess, that girl was me. Perhaps you see yourself in this story as well. It’s a common one especially for the “good kids” like you and I. We live our lives driven by a sense of duty and obligation to The Rulebook, every tiny decision we make based solely on what we “should” or “should not” do.
I should play with my kids more.
I should do the dishes before I finish reading this.
I should be more outgoing and talkative.
I should not complain.
I should be more grateful.
I should eat less carbs.
I should have remembered their birthday.
I should be further along by now.
I invite you to stop and consider for a moment how phrases like the ones above make you feel. What emotions come up?
Whatever emotions you felt while reading them, I can almost guarantee they didn’t make you feel like high-fiving yourself. And self-compassion? What even is that? More than likely, the phrases above reminded you of more things you “should” be doing and more ways you’re “failing at life.” (Side-note: You are NOT failing at life.)
And then comes the shame.
The word “should” breeds shame.
A couple of years ago, I was walking through a huge transition. I was deciding next steps on my career path as well as my spiritual journey. I felt tremendously stuck, and I wasn’t sure what my next step “should” be. My decision process sounded a lot like this:
“I should _________.”
“I should not __________.”
“I should have _________.”
Which quickly spiraled into thoughts like this, directly attacking the core of my being:
“I should BE more ______.”
“I should BE less ________.”
I would quickly end up in a shame spiral—completely frozen by the lie that I had never been and would never be “good enough.” And there in lies the reason that the word “should” is one of The Rulebook’s favorite words. One of The Rulebook’s goals is to keep us striving for perfection. When we can’t achieve this impossible standard, we become prisoners of shame and fear.
Shame and fear keep us from making any progress or growth. They keep us disconnected from our authentic selves, and they keep us from creating authentic connections and community with others. Again, The Rulebook’s goals are achieved in this way.
When you’ve been living your entire life based on this reality—that there is a perfectly right way that we “should” live, and any deviation will be met with punishment—it can be extremely difficult to shake off the shame and fear of not meeting that standard.
So what’s an aspiring rule-breaker to do?
For me, it started with a vocabulary shift. What we say and how we speak to and about ourselves DOES in fact matter a whole heck of a lot. For this reason, I am thankful that my husband pointed out just how much I was using the word “should” in the middle of the aforementioned transition. Once he pointed it out, I could not stop seeing The Shoulds and the associated shame at work in my life in a million ways, and then, I couldn’t stop seeing the damage that word had caused me.
More than any of the expletives we are traditionally taught not to say, I have found this particular “sh- word” to be much more dangerous. I’ve weaponized the word “should” more times than I care to count—against others and even more so against myself. I’ve used it to pulverize my authentic self to the point I became unrecognizable. Yet, so many people continue to use it flippantly without recognizing the real emotional, mental, physical, and spiritual tolls.
So how do we ditch the word “should” and the shame that it brings along with it? It starts with these two actions:
1) Notice it: You’re a rule-breaker now, and that means you know how to pay attention. Begin to pay attention and take note of how often you use the word “should.” Notice also what emotions it evokes inside of you. You will also begin to notice how others use it as well.
2) Replace it: What helped me was to replace it with the word “could.” It’s a subtle difference, but it is noticeable one. Consider the different thoughts and feelings surrounding these nearly identical sentences:
“I should call my mom.”
“I could call my mom.”
Or these:
“I should eat something healthier for dinner.”
“I could eat something healthier for dinner.”
Do you notice the difference? While should elicits shame, could elicits possibility. Possibility opens us up to new levels of hope, joy, and love. Shame ensnares us in patterns of obligation, fear, and self-hatred. With this subtle linguistic shift, I was no longer shaming myself (or others for that matter). Instead, I was offering possibility and hope.
If we want to be rule-breakers, we must also learn to live from our values instead of The Shoulds. One of the first keys to unlocking ourselves from our prisons of shame is recognizing how and when we are using the word “should”—and perhaps even stop using it entirely. Once we are able to notice The Shoulds at work in our individual lives, the next step is to start making decisions removed from the shame of the should.
We’ll be talking about this more over on my Substack newsletter in the coming weeks. You can sign up for that free newsletter here.
Until then, rest easy. You’re doing the hard work of unlearning, and I am so proud of you! I hope you are proud of you, too.
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