Two Rules That Keep Rule-Followers from Practicing Self-Compassion
Maybe this happens to you, too.
You make a mistake. You think you’ve failed. Maybe someone else had to point out the mistake which only emphasizes the perceived failure. Instead of moving on, you and your inner critic decide the best course of action is to stew on the events that transpired. You chew on ruminating thoughts, keeping yourself up all night, hurling the cruelest of insults at yourself, and reliving the mistake over and over as some sort of punishment.
In these moments, we become the bully that we so feared back in our primary school years. No bully’s insult or boss’s ill-timed criticism has ever compared to the level of cruelty to which we subject ourselves.
While a rule-breaker may be tempted to treat themselves in this way on occasion, they’ve got something in their arsenal that rule-followers do not; Rule-breakers know how to practice self-compassion.
What is Self-Compassion?
Contrary to popular opinion, self-compassion is NOT just letting yourself get away with everything. It’s not about taking it so easy on yourself that you never make any progress towards your goals. It’s not about blame-shifting or letting yourself off the hook when you’ve done something wrong. It’s not being selfish either.
So what is self-compassion, then?
According to Kristin Neff, self-compassion is made up of these three components. One, self-kindness which is the practice of being actively kind to ourselves much like we would be to a friend who has having a difficult time. The second component is common humanity which is the recognition that all of us are human, and therefore, we all share in real human struggles. Lastly, self-compassion involves mindfulness which is about paying attention. Mindfulness invites us to see our feelings and emotions as they are without trying to suppress or deny them. Healthy self-compassion involves all three of these: self-kindness, common humanity, and mindfulness.
Ways We Are Cruel to Ourselves
Now that we have a general idea of what healthy self-compassion looks like, let’s have a look at a few ways we do NOT practice self-compassion. Just like those bullies back in the day, we can be incredibly sneaky as well in the ways we are cruel to ourselves:
Avoiding emotions or judging them as “bad”
Talking to ourselves harshly and/or talking about ourselves negatively
Punishing ourselves in a myriad of ways (i.e. ruminating on mistakes, over-exercising to make up for over-eating, over-apologizing, etc.)
Writing unreasonable and unrealistic to-do lists for ourselves with impossible deadlines
Comparing ourselves to others
Self-isolating and avoiding connection or time with loved ones
Ignoring or downplaying our own needs and wants
Not setting and holding boundaries
People-pleasing
Last month, I wrote about people-pleasing: what it is, how to tell if you are a people-pleaser, sneaky ways it shows up in our lives, and some tips on how to break the habit. You can read more about people-pleasing recovery here and here. You may notice that that there is a fair bit of cross over between people-pleasing and a lack of self-compassion.
The problem with people-pleasing, and the reason we keep doing it, is because it fuels our self-esteem in the immediate moment. It fuels our confidence by making us feel liked and appreciated by others, but this feeling of being loved and valued rarely lasts. Why? Because self-esteem is NOT self-compassion.
This quote, also from Kristin Neff, describes the difference, “Self-esteem is a fair-weather friend. It’s there when things go well but deserts you when things go badly, just when you need it most. Self-compassion is a perfect alternative to self-esteem. It doesn’t require feeling better than others, it isn’t contingent on other people liking you, and it doesn’t require getting things right.”
“Getting Things Right”
Throughout most of my life, I never felt like I could get all the things “right.” I never could meet my own ridiculously high standards and expectations for myself. I was always doing more and trying harder to be perfect and to “fix myself.” I reached a breaking point in 2016 when I realized where it had landed me. I was anxious, depressed, and thinking too often of giving up on myself which only added to my overall feeling of brokenness.
Enter self-pity—which is not self-compassion either. Self-pity is where we become so hyper-focused on our own struggles that we forget that there are other humans in the world who are experiencing or have experienced similar struggles. Forgetting this leads to isolation and loneliness. I knew back then that I needed to show myself compassion just like I would naturally show to just about anyone else. For reasons I did not know back then, I could not bring myself to do it.
As recovering rule-followers, I imagine most of us understand the importance of self-compassion in theory, but we struggle in practice. Why is that? If we know that treating others with kindness is so very important, what is keeping us from being kinder to ourselves?
There are many reasons that we struggle to practice self-compassion including many myths that Kristin Neff debunks here. As I was writing this blog post though, I thought about what kept me from practicing self-compassion. I realized there were two mindsets that I have had to unlearn--2 BIG rules that kept me from showing myself kindness and grace.
Rule 1: I am broken.
When I reached that breaking point back in 2016, speaking through sobs in a desperate moment, I had told my husband, “I just want to be fixed.” To which he responded without hesitation, “You are not broken.”
I had been taught all my life things like, “Everyone is a little broken.” I bought in to that belief. But my inner bully took it a bit further. If everyone was a little broken, I was the most broken of them all.
Enter that contrary but simple phrase, “You are not broken,” spoken to me in that timely moment. It woke me up from the self-pity spiral, and it started me on a journey towards compassion—for myself and more for others. This was the moment I began to question, “What if it’s not me that is broken? What if it’s the standard of measurement I am using?”
These days I can no longer buy into the idea that we are all broken, even just a little. “Broken” implies that a thing is in need of fixing or it’s in such disrepair that it is useless and unloveable. It can imply that there are parts of us that are unworthy of love and just need to be gotten rid of or changed. Only then will we be valuable and worthy of love and kindness.
The idea that we’re all broken misleads us. It makes us think that if we better ourselves in some way that we might be able to fix everything we don’t like about ourselves. Unfortunately, there is no cure for being human. And yet we try. This need to “fix” ourselves keeps us from experiencing and receiving joy, rest, and compassion. Not only that, it is fuel for constant comparison. It leads us to think that perhaps if we try just a little harder, we could be better than the other “broken” humans.
Alas, our efforts never meet our very high expectations, and we’re left once again thinking we’re the most broken of them all. Because of this, we turn ourselves (and others) into projects.
But people are not projects. That includes you.
And we are not broken. We are human.
Yes, even you.
Rule 2: I am alone.
In that same time back in the winter of 2016, I was terrified to talk to anyone about my mental health struggles. I just knew they wouldn’t understand. The rulebook wins every time with this one. It wants you to think you are alone. It wants you to isolate yourself in self-pity spirals. It wants you to think you are the only one—the only one who makes these mistakes or the only one struggling with a particular problem. The rulebook wants you to believe that no one else will or could ever understand what you are going through, and it is very convincing.
But you are not alone in your struggles. You are not the only one who is experiencing difficult circumstances whatever they may be. While your situation is as unique as you are, there are always other very real humans in similar situations experiencing similar struggles. There are always others having similar thoughts and emotions. There have been people in the past experiencing similar struggles, and there will be people in the future experiencing more of the same.
This is the lie that keeps us from remembering our shared humanity, and recognizing our shared humanity is one of the key components of self-compassion.
We are not alone in our human struggles.
You are not alone; you never have been, and we will make it together.
But What Does This Look Like Practically?
Now that we have addressed the rules that block us from practicing self-compassion in the first place, I want to offer a piece of practical advice for showing yourself more self-compassion in difficult moments.
I enjoyed this simple list, again from Kristin, highlighting some practical ways to begin incorporating self-compassion into your daily life. Here’s a video if you prefer to watch, but I’ll also summarize it here:
1) Self-compassion starts with giving yourself permission. Give yourself permission to be kind. Acknowledge however you are feeling and give yourself permission to feel those feelings without judging yourself or the emotions.
2) Notice how you speak to yourself. Ask yourself, “Would I say this to a close friend?” If not, then change the language you are using. Communicate with yourself in kindness.
3) Use your hands and voice. Speak to yourself in an out loud and calming voice. Put your hand lovingly and reassuringly on your heart or belly or cheeks. In much the same way you would would comfort your own child, you can comfort your own inner child.
And One Last Thing…
As you begin to turn towards yourself with more love and compassion, I invite you to keep these things in mind:
We’re not failing; We’re learning.
We are not alone.
We’re not broken; We’re human.
We are worthy of love and kindness.
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Some Links for Further Study
https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/the_five_myths_of_self_compassion
https://self-compassion.org/the-three-elements-of-self-compassion-2/
Quote about self-esteem from this book:
https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/56599288-fierce-self-compassion
